These times have a tendency to be intense, challenging and difficult. Sometimes I find writing about something that is completely different can be helpful to introduce a bit of a break in the nonstop newsfeed from hell. So, consider this article just that – a temporary change of pace.
In these times of growing illiteracy I find it more important than ever that people get their words right because words are what we use to communicate ideas to one another. Words are both positive and negative in that they are able to capture and reveal the great beauty in our lives and at the same time they are like little prisons that limit the possibilities in how we perceive the world around us. The word Mountain is helpful because it clearly designates the terrain and allows us to prepare for moving upward. If I said, “Telluride is in the high Rocky Mountains” then if you are going there it helps you to prepare for mountain climate, intense sun, maybe thunderstorms or snow. Perhaps if you are prone to altitude sickness you might decide to avoid it altogether. So, words do inform in important ways. On the other hand, “Mountain” is a noun that fixes something in place. For example, you might decide, “Oh. ‘Mountain’. I know what that is. Once you’ve seen one mountain you’ve seen them all.” Once you’ve labeled something a mountain you can kind of dismiss it as a tall mound of hard rock with perhaps snow on top. Anyone who lives in the mountains knows that there are a million nuances that cannot be captured in one word. In nomad languages the word for mountain is a verb meaning that it is alive and in motion whether it appears that way to the rest of us or not. The same would be true of the word snow which most of us have one word for but the Inuit people who live in it have many words for it. Snow is not a dead thing, it is active, happening, and alive. So, let’s just look at some examples of words that people often confuse and use poorly.
Disidentifying or Disassociating
While these two terms appear very similar, they are very different in meaning. To disidentify means to actively choose to no longer be in alignment with an activity, a set of values, a belief system, or even a lifestyle. For example, a person may disidentify with the criminal activity of their youth that landed them in jail and turned to a productive life as a teacher with a loving family during their adult years. They no longer wish to identify with that drug dealing gang of their youth and the subsequent years of hard prison time. It’s not that they are in denial that those events took place as they will readily admit to anyone that asks. After all it is a part of their history. However, in very important ways it is no longer who they are and they have erased the gang tattoos on their body to symbolically erase their identification with that way of life.
On the other hand, disassociation is not usually so much a choice but a reaction, a response to something that reminds them of a very painful incident like for example being gang raped or robbed at gunpoint or something of the sort. There can even be amnesia about the event or a strange lack of feeling that takes over when they are reminded of it like being very spaced out, confused, or lacking in focus. It may be that they appear to have gone far away mentally and are no longer present. It is a response that demonstrates that they have not actually dealt with the trauma of it and are in some kind of avoidance of dealing with it or facing it. This is very different from disidentifying. Disidentifying can be quite a healthy response and it may happen periodically as the person grows up and changes in good ways. Adults do not identify themselves as two-year olds. On occasion, it may be an attempt to lie about or cover up ones’ identification with a certain religion or subculture that is under attack. For example, one may choose not to reveal they are Jewish if they are suddenly surrounded by a group of angry Palestinians or it could be someone who denies they are of mixed race among highly prejudiced people that might do them harm. This is more of strategic choice to cover something up and it may be the wisest thing to do under the circumstances. Again, this form of disidentifying is very different from disassociation.
Jealousy and Envy
It is absolutely amazing how many seemingly educated people mix these two terms up. Their meanings are not at all the same. I have heard prominent actors and celebrities mix these terms up as well as read articles in newsfeeds where journalists who should know better use the wrong word and similarly on podcasts, so much so that the general public doesn’t know which is which. So, let’s set the record straight. Jealousy is about relationships and refers to feeling possessive of someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend when they might appear to be giving attention to someone else. For example, I once had a girl friend who, if she ever caught me talking to another woman at a party, would step forward grab my arm and pull me away midsentence in a very rude way. On the other hand, she felt free to talk to any guy she wanted to at any time. This is a jealous response, and it is usually dysfunctional because the person who is jealous is feeling very insecure in the situation and wants to control the outcome by denying the other an opportunity to direct their attention away from them. There is a bit or maybe a big chunk of narcissism in this behavior. Briefly a jealous friend may make you feel wanted, more secure, and safe but that stage quickly turns into annoyance and feeling controlled. “Oh, that is so sweet. Fred’s jealous of other guys’ interest in me. He must love me.” Eventually that turns into, “You are not the boss of me. I am a free person and you can’t tell me who I can talk to or not.” So, at the end of the day jealousy is a nasty thing that result in violence, stalking, hacking, and a host of bad behaviors that ultimately may end in a restraining order or worse.
Envy is a totally different thing. Envy can be directed at a person but it is actually more about what they possess that I want an experience or a thing. Maybe they have huge resources, wealth, influence, talent, a way with the men or women that I wish I had but believe I don’t. I envy them for their having it. In the case of resources like a successful business or money I could decide to make it my goal to take it from them, or perhaps destroy their success to equalize the playing field. I don’t have it so they won’t have it either. Then we can both be miserable in our poverty.
Whole wars are fought over the envy of one country for the resources of another. “We will take it for ourselves.” In a capitalistic system like we have in the US, envy plays a big role in the corporate world with hostile takeovers, destroying the competition, robbing them of their supply chains, and vast corrupt practices like buying favorable politicians to force the competition out. As you can see, envy is heavily associated with greed and because envy and greed are based on fear it is never a strong hand in the long run. Since fear perpetuates itself, the greed will eventually slide to self-destruction and the overall outcome is a disaster. Wanting to grow and perhaps produce the best products is a very different and more powerful motivation than envy. It has a much higher potential for success. Establishing good trade agreements though diplomacy is a much better motivation and way cheaper than the expense of going to war to take over resources or outright steal them, another result of fear.
On occasion, envy may be about someone else having a beautiful girlfriend or wife or perhaps a handsome husband or partner whom I may want for myself. The envy is couched in lust to possess that person. There are numerous stories about kings or generals attracted to a married woman who send their partners off to the front lines to be killed so they can possess the wife. Since the motivation for this form of murder is fear, it almost never works out unless the wife is in cahoots with the king. That is another story.
Let’s take two more words people frequently confuse
Affect and effect
Affect is a verb meaning ‘to influence or change’ as in “His anxiety affected the whole room.”” “His whining continues to affect her response to him.” Something is changing something else in these sentences, something is affecting something.
Effect is a noun meaning ‘the result of a change’. “She is having a powerful effect on the audience.” Means she is doing something to the audience. “The effect of the rain was that no one could travel on the roads.” “The effect when he arrived was like a thunder clap.” It is the change itself that is addressed in these sentences. I have spent most of my life trying to master this distinction.
Different from and different than.
Here is another confusion for people. “Different from” and “Different than.” Although in today’s world “different than” is sometimes acceptable, it is still not preferred. “His values are different from hers.” You will never go wrong with this phrasing.
Sometimes people shorten the full phrase “He looks different from the last time I saw him” to “He looks different than last time” but this is still considered marginal by many people. I had a high school English teacher who gave anyone who used ‘different than’ in a paper an automatic 50% which is an F. Needless to say no one got A’s in his class. You can get away with it in simple conversations but not in an essay, journal article, or book. To be safe, always use ‘different from’.
In reality there are hundreds of phrases, word combinations, and word choices in English that confuse people all the time. I can only imagine how hard it is to learn English as a second or third language. Interestingly, foreigners are the most likely to use English very well and they often know these subtle differences.
With all the things going on in the world right now using the right words is often of very low priority. But it can make all the difference in being considered credible and well informed when you need to be.